I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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