I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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