go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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