I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
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I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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