I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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