im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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