Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
