I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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