So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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