Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
