I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
