bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
