kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
time to smoke my breakfast
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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