You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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