I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
