I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
