I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
