Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
