Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.