Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
