I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
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come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
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You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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