my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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