i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
