I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
