It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
