my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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