Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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