She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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