her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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