remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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