Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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