remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
