my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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