I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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