We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
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