so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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