Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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