a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
