i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
