Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
