I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We left the knife in your bed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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