do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
