took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
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Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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