I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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