You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
