Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
