I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
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i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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