Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can't put those talents on a resume
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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