I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
