i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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