I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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