Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
